Sunshine.

Just two months after beginning to try for a baby, I found out I was pregnant. It was June 2008. I was on a trip with my parents in Texas. Dan was back in California working. I'll never forget sneaking a pregnancy test into the hotel bathroom, trying to be quiet as I ripped open the package. My parents were laying on the bed in the hotel room watching the news. I didn't want them to suspect anything, more or less because I didn't want to be embaressed when I discovered I wasn't pregnant...AGAIN. After all those months of infertility...a positive pregnancy test seemed like a dream. After I took the test, I laid it on the side of the tub...washed my hands...looked at myself in the mirror for a few seconds...then gulped down a lump in my throat as I walked back over to inspect the test. I saw two lines. Of course, I had to reread the box to make sure I knew what two lines meant! Yes...two lines meant I was pregnant. I just about fell over! NOW WHAT? How could I walk out of this bathroom pretending my life hadn't just completely changed in 2 seconds? How would I be able to stifle the cries my heart was DYING to let loose? I opened the door, and set the test on the sink counter. Nonchalently, I sat at the bottom of my bed and then looked over at my parents. They were comfortably watching the news...having no clue what was going through my head at this point. I finally opened my mouth, and with all the strength I could muster squeaked out, "Well, do you guys want to be grandparents?". They both just looked at me blankly...until I began sobbing so hard my body just shook. Now they were sitting straight up, completely confused. After I calmed myself down a bit...I repeated my question. Well, then they began crying themselves. With all my heart I wanted to call Dan and let him know! But, I knew that I would never, EVER be able to live with the fact that I told him over the phone. I had to keep the secret until I saw him again. Ironically...Father's Day. I went to sleep that night already in love with that little one growing in my tummy. I didn't sleep a wink. I imagined what the baby would look like, what it's name would be, if it would be a boy or girl... I tossed and turned and lived through a night that seemed to go on forever. In the morning I tested again...sure enough...positive. I called my doctors and they set up an appointment for me several weeks down the road. Now for the day to come when I could tell Dan he was going to be a dad!

I spent the next few days of my Texas trip picking up little odds and ends for Dan. A book entitled, "The Idiots Guide to Being a Dad", a t-shirt that said WORLD'S BEST DAD...etc. I was so excited. Dan was going to meet us on our way home at a restaurant. I would give him his gifts at the restaurant on Father's Day. This would be one of the happiest days of our lives.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother's womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it.

Psalm 139:13-14

Reveal.

After much thought and prayer, we were confident that the Lord was leading me to have gastric bypass surgery. I excitedly when through 6 months of nutrition classes ahead of time, and then finally had my surgery date scheduled. I can honestly say I wasn't apprehensive in the least. I was so confident that this was exactly what I needed. I was ready and willing to make a huge lifestyle change. My surgery was on June 20, 2007. I went through it like a breeze. By May of 2008, I had lost 230 lbs! Yes...in only 11 months. The Lord was my strength. I know without a doubt that it was Him that helped that weight drip off. He had so many lessons for me to learn...and I was about to embark on a journey I would have never guessed. To anyone who thinks having weight loss surgery is taking the easy road...think again. I had absolutely no problems with the surgery. You know all those horror stories you hear? Well, mine was a fairy tale!! Just 11 months after the surgery, we were ready to try for a baby. I felt the best I had ever felt in ... well, just about my whole life!!! What I had become is exactly the same person...in a different suitcase. Nothing really changed...who I was, was Sarah...repackaged. (Repackaged in American Eagle and DKNY I might add!) And what I was about to become was a dream come true. But, in the process, I was about to go through some of the deepest sadness in my life.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield.

I trust Him with all my heart.

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving."

Psalm 28:7

Truth.

After trying for a couple years to get pregnant, we finally decided to see a doctor. I had always known it would be a trial for me to get pregnant. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It pretty much stinks to have it. We went to a fertility specialist, who worked with us for a year. Nothing was working. I'll never forget my very last appointment in her office, Dan had to work so my mom went with me. Sitting on the end of the examining table, she looked straignt into my eyes and said, "Sarah...you have everything it takes to have children, you just need to lose weight." She said it...she sealed the deal...she confirmed what I knew in my heart, but needed to be told straight up. I was glad my mom drove that day, because I cried all the way home. For someone who weighed a few pounds away from 400lbs... JUST losing weight was a big deal. There was a lot to lose. (And I'm not just talking lbs.) Who was I if I wasn't the fat girl? What would I be? My identity was...the fat girl. Everywhere I went I was reminded... I was the fat girl. I'd walk into a grocery store and hear little kids say, "Mommy, that lady is fat!"...and mothers quickly trying to shush their kids so I wouldn't hear. If I wasn't the fat girl anymore, who was I?

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world,

but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.

Then you will learn to know God's will for you,

which is good and pleasing and perfect."

Romans 12:2

Dan.

My husband is one of the greatest blessings I have been given. I often wonder how he saw through the 400 lb "coat of armor" I had carefully built and maintained throughout my 26 yrs of life. No one else had ever cared enough to see past my exterior. Dan did. Truthfully, he wasn't at all the type of person I had pictured myself marrying. I was looking for the good little Bible college graduate that could debate Theology with the best of them. Someone who could claim stealing a cookie from the cookie jar when they were 5 as their "worst sin". Someone who could wipe you out with their knowledge of Scriptures. Someone who's wardrobe of choice was a terrific suit and tie, and wouldn't think of leaving the house with a hair out of place. To me, knowledge of Scriptures = depth of relationship with the Lord. Wow, did I have a lot to learn. You see, then there was Dan, aka...what you see is what you get. Dan himself had been through the Refiner's fire. In fact, he had gaping wounds of his own that I believe prevented him from seeing my armor. Dan wasn't at all concerned about armor (his, or mine)... Dan's love for me wasn't immediate. It took 9 months of friendship before God supplied Dan with the ability to trust/love again. But boy, when it hit...it hit. I only wish everyone could be loved by someone as much as I am loved by Dan. We were married on May 8, 2004. And thus began a new volume in the story of my life.

"Remember dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God called things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless, to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important."

I Corinthians 1: 26-28

Broken.

Sometimes I feel like I beat a dead horse by sharing the miracle of Sutton...but, then other times I just don't care and pick up the club. God gave us this little boy for a reason, and I believe it is to share the story of encouragement with others who may be in the same situation. Right now is one of those times. Sutton was/is a dream come true for us. After so many years of infertility, there were nights when I went to bed wondering if the word "mom" would ever apply to me. I was broken. I felt broken. What is the main difference between a man and a woman? A woman can bare children. I couldn't. I was broken. I couldn't be returned, I couldn't be "fixed" necessarily...but supposedly, I could be improved. Improved. Just like one of those recalled Toyotas. What was God trying to teach me through all of this? Maybe I wasn't broken after all.... maybe God was trying to break me!

" But on the judgement day, fire will reveal

what kind of work each builder has done.

The fire will show if a person's work has any value.

If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward.

But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss.

The builder will be saved,

but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames."

I Corinthians 3: 13-15

Us.

So, there are three of us. Daddy...Dan. Mommy...Sarah. And the cutest of the three is FOR SURE, Sutton Thomas! He's our little 1 year old bottle of pure joy sent straight from the hand of God. Yes, we do find ourselves just staring in wonder and amazement at his every move, noise, expression...etc. I wonder if it will always be like that? Will we just sit back in awe over every milestone we see him cross? Like when we took him to the beach for the first time and his feet touched the sand. His expression was priceless. Sutton was a long time a commin'...and to the Lord we are forever grateful.

"Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: "O LORD of Heaven's Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to You. He will be Yours for his entire lifetime."

I Samuel 1: 10-11a